Facing My Fears

Seeking a job to cover our cost of living expenses, developing new friendships, obtaining prescription transfers, traveling in big city traffic, and being hours from our home are some of the fears I faced.  In June of 1983 Steve and I relocated to the Kansas City, Missouri area.  All of us have felt fears at sometime during our lives to some degree.       

The first fear was searching for an apartment.  I had allowed well-meaning friends and loved ones to plant seeds of doubt.  “It is not safe in Kansas City.  I sure hope you find a secure place.”  Steve and I traveled to Grandview, which is a suburb of Kansas City.  We looked at several different apartments; some apartments we definitely did not want to rent; others apartments we may want to rent; and lastly one we definitely did want to rent. 

The apartment we decided to rent was a one bedroom domain with a fairly large living room, kitchen and dining room area, and bathroom in the Briarwood Apartment Complex on the ground level.  I particularly liked the huge sliding glass doors, because I enjoy a lot of sunlight.  Most importantly, I was grateful to feel safe.

Another fear was leaving a land with which I was familiar to a land of unknown.  A few days after we found our apartment, we loaded up two pickup trucks and our two cars with our furniture and belongings.  We were grateful to Steve’s brother in law and sister, Wayne and Jane, and my mother and brother, Buddy, for helping us on moving day.    

The following Sunday we found a church to attend, Good Hope Missionary Baptist Church located at 48^th and Wabash.  We are grateful to have found a church to call home. 

On Monday my husband left for pharmacy school.  I was left alone in our apartment.  I was afraid to go out by myself. I had plans to pick up groceries at the nearby Safeway and transfer a prescription to the pharmacy in that shopping center.  Having never traveled through a huge city, I was challenged.  I made a few wrong turns attempting to cross over highway 71, but I figured it out. 

One fear I never crossed my mind was meeting rude people.  I stopped at the pharmacy to transfer a prescription.  It felt like the pharmacy technician glared at me.  “We cannot transfer this prescription without a written prescription from your doctor!” she said.  My stomach began to knot up as I left the pharmacy.

I picked up groceries and found my way back to our apartment.  At least the grocery store welcomed my check to pay for the groceries. 

“I just feel so unwelcome in this city.” I told Steve.  We had time to travel back to the pharmacy to obtain the prescription. The technician I spoke with must have been having a bad day and was confused. This time we were able to get the prescription.

Finding a job was another fear.  The next day I began searching for a job.  I called businesses, filled out applications, and interviewed for several days.  During this process I got lost in this huge city several times; but to my surprise people were friendly and helpful.  It felt frustrating, but looking back I was learning everyday.

Facing these fears everyday began affecting me.  My stomach began to hurt and hurt.  The pain occurred more and more and became more and more intense.  On one particular morning while Steve was dressing for school, I said, “Steve, I may have to make an appointment to go to the doctor.  This pain just won’t go away and I don’t know what it is.  I don’t want to, because we don’t have the money.”  Steve said, “You have to take care of yourself.  Perhaps, you should just stay home and rest today!” 

After Steve left, I thought, “I have a job interview that I will not reschedule.  I must be there.”  In the shower I prayed, “Lord, how am I going to be able to get through the interview?”  Suddenly, I thought came to me, “Just pretend you feel great!”   I began saying out loud, “I feel wonderful!  I feel energetic and healthy!  I am happy!  My stomach does not hurt!”

I continued this all the way to the destination for the job interview.  I met, spoke, and toured the lab facilities.  I enjoyed talking with the people there.  I traveled home and began preparing supper.  I realized at supper that my stomach was no longer hurting.

The next day my stomach was not hurting.  I felt so much better.  What was it?  Steve and I decided that I was just stressed, since I was in a big city with no friends and/or relatives, and without a much needed job.  It was a new experience all together.

Think about it.  My fear was all in my mind.  My fear produced stress and it caused my stomach to ache.  Once I decided to face these fears and in my mind to tell myself how I was going to feel, my situation changed.  Amazing!

Over time I did find an awesome lab research assistant job at the Kansas University Medical Center working and learning with some interesting and great people.  I learned my way around without getting lost in the big city.  I made many friends.  In fact, living in Kansas City was an amazing growing experience for Steve and me.  We are thankful. 

Someone wise once said, “Face the fear you fear the most and death of the fear is certain!”